Shini

Change

2009-12-18T03:44:00.000-08:00

Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.

Those words of a great scholar caught my eye. Transience, as a matter of fact, has perturbed my mind too often. It is a feeling so trivial and phenomenal at the same time because of recurrence every now and then, that I hardly recollect the mind's reaction to change. Good or bad, changes happen. The lingering of good or bad feelings followed by those are somethings beyond my control. Sometimes these thoughts/feelings over power the intellect causing unnecessary worries, dissatisfaction and delusion into inability to accept life as it comes.

I wonder, if this were the case with the mind, then how does the body react to changes that happen everyday within us. It's a thought to which little attention is paid unless we look ourselves closely in the mirror. Thoreau was right when he said " Things do not change, we change".

The Mad Ones

2009-11-18T22:01:00.000-08:00

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!” ~ "On the Road - Jack Kerouac"

Madness for me, is a synonym for passion, for excellence, for being.

There are days when I search for people to understand me - the way I am, like the mad ones, as Kerouac mentions.

I find myself being part of a lot of situations, places and people. I consider myself to being their own, madly passionate to understand things inside and around me. I nurture a belonging to those realities.

Is such madness suited to our world?

Which worse is better?

2009-09-24T20:13:00.001-07:00

I wonder .....

Having good friends or being lonely?
Love marriage or arranged marriage?
Having a boyfriend or not having one?
Being married or being single?
Having kids or being the 'woman' without kids?
Doing hard work or having no work?
Being loyal to family or being carefree?
Speaking the truth or wrapping the truth?
Being a fast learner or being ignorant?
Bearing pain or ignoring it?
Realizing things or being lazy?
Being cheerful yet unhappy or being only unhappy?
Being alive or being dead?
Knowing God or Being Materialistic?

Writing all of this or deleting it??
The last choice remained the only one I could positively make...

Higher Ground - State of my present self

2009-07-07T03:25:00.000-07:00

Every hour of every day I'm learning more
The more I learn, the less I know about before
The less I know, the more I want to look around
Digging deep for clues on higher ground

Moon and stars sit way up high
Earth and trees beneath them lie
The wind blows fragant lullaby
To cool the night for you and I

On the wind the birds fly free
Leviathan tames angry sea
The flower waits for honeybee
The sunrise wakes new life in me

Every hour of every day I'm learning more
The more I learn, the less I know about before
The less I know, the more I want to look around
Digging deep for clues on higher ground

The fishes swim while rivers run
Through fields to feast my eyes upon
Intoxicated drinking from
The loving cup of burning sun

In dreams I'll crave familiar taste
Of whispered rain on weary face
Of kisses sweet and warm embrace
Another time another place

And every hour of every day I'm learning more
The more I learn, the less I know about before
The less I know, the more I want to look around
Digging deep for clues on higher ground

Courtesy: UB40 Higher Ground Lyrics

Compromises

2009-04-23T00:56:00.000-07:00

The story of marriage is always an interesting one but with the usual cliches and quotes that it carries from yesteryear. Nonetheless, this story remains the same, even in the modern age of high-end technology and emancipation of women or whatever high-sounding words one can think of.

The story this time is of a young couple discussing pros and cons of shifting to a new city because the man of the house has been asked to do so by his company. It is inevitable to conclude that the woman should follow suit. She should be able to find a new job in the new city or relocate to the branch office of the current company she is employed with. All this is okay but what about the woman who keeps shifting wherever her husband goes. Even if, she does not have a job. What are her choices in either cases? She is regarded as arrogant in the case where she persists to stay in the present city because of her job. Else, she is asked to make a compromise - against her personal wish, to move out of the city to be with her husband.

Although women liberation and independence are catchwords of many political party agendas, there is no independence for many women in reality. Questioning decisions, going against those and stating personal choices are deemed as selfish motives in the society. The woman gets a praise if she does not indulge into this much thinking. Wonder if compromising women themselves, are thinking about this in the least?

"Recession" quote of the day

2009-02-12T20:40:00.000-08:00

"The best condition in life is not to be so rich as to be envied nor so poor as to be damned."

-- Josh Billings

Too much noise

2009-01-30T22:38:00.000-08:00

The apartment complex in Hyderabad where I live in, has kids of various ages, but those that are below the age of 3 outnumber the rest. Every evening, as I come tired from office, I am welcome to their playing around the parking lot or at the adjacent kids' park or on my apartment's floor. Most of the time, their noise continues till late around 10 p.m. Their endless chatter and games make the atmosphere lively as I keep watching them from my balcony.

It so happened one fine evening, as I was flipping chappatis in the kitchen, that I heard a group of them rush to the floor. All the while most of them shouting and make noises till they reached one end of the floor. One of them later on, shoo-shoos the entire group and then there is pin-drop silence. I wondered why. Then again, every one rushes back from the other end and this cycle of noise and shoo-shooing continues. Hearing them giggle, I cannot but help giggle to myself and at their innocence.

All of a sudden, one of the neighbors, comes out screaming at the kids - " hey all of you! Too much noise around this floor! Go downstairs and play! Will you? or I'll tell your mom!"

Poor kids, I think, as I hear them slowly dispersing off.

The incident reminds me of how as adults we have changed becoming intolerant to a little noise around us and worrying ourselves with the baggage of tensions, worldly wisdom, grudges and complaints all the time. The kids are a gifted lot though, with their innocence still intact, they continue giggling, shouting, shooing, irrespective of what's happening around them. The kids reminded me of life's lesson. To take it as it comes in life, irrespective of whatever happens around you, keep that "thing" going.

Year of the Void

2008-12-30T02:18:00.000-08:00

It is but the topic to write for.

The year 2008 was an year worth living through. Personally that is. As for the nation, well, everyone knows the "downs" that impacted our lives - directly or indirectly - terror attacks, recession, financial worries, layoffs among other things.

By far, besides being the worst year of my life, 2008 meant literally living through silent and invisible hell. And at the end of that hell, stands nothing. Just void. There is this feeling of emptiness from within and nullification of those thoughts that used to preoccupy my mind.

The reasons for the feeling of hell on earth might well be because of personal reasons and several other factors. But, at the end of it all, I thought to myself as I do now: " Did I deserve all this?" or "Why did all this happen to me?" Unfortunately, the void stares back from within myself. No answers, no more questions to myself.

Probably that is what the year meant to leave behind in my life. At the end of all this madness in the world and inside/outside ourselves, there is this ultimate void for sure. It might also mean that no matter how much one may worry, yearn, achieve, lose,win in life - there is nothing going to be left behind us. Maybe this is similar to the end result of a tumultuous period like a war, or a depression and life in general. Just what this year was. An year of void.....

Life - abridged

2008-12-10T23:10:00.001-08:00

Life is.... "Leaving the house in the morning, dressed in clothes that you bought on
credit card for work, driving through the traffic in a car that you are still paying for,
putting in petrol that you cannot afford, in order to get to the job that you hate but need it
so badly so that you can pay for the clothes, car,
petrol and the house that you leave empty the whole day, in order to live in it…"

P.S. This is based on an email forward, from a colleague.

Forgotten Words

2008-12-01T01:40:00.000-08:00

Long, long ago... there was a man by the name - Mohandas Gandhi and he said:

"An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. "

It has not only made the world blind, these mindless terrorist attacks have made the whole world extremely sad!

It is for the terrorists to tell us - the common Indian - "What do they get from these attacks?" Peace, Supremacy, Pride, Feeling of Jihad??? For what? For killing innocent human beings?? Can they use those dead bodies of common men and women and children for anything??
What are these people angry about?? No one knows the right answer... Probably not even those young minds who were behind the Mumbai attacks...probably they are into it, because someone above them, offered to make their religion proud, or offered to make life adventurous and fun!!!

It is high-time the terrorist groups answer the angry population of India! What is the 'eye' you are fighting for???

Re -" treat "

2008-10-30T06:54:00.000-07:00

Post Diwali I am still on my pre- planned vacation. Travelling to Delhi and then to Chennai and later to Hyderabad from where it all began, has been good till now. On one hand, Jhumpa Lahiri floors me everytime I read one of her books. Her Unaccustomed Earth is the best read I have ever read of most authors. On the other hand, a lot of air travel has had my head swirling.

Well, most of the times, it would be wrong to say that I was on vacation when at the in-laws. There were traditions to be followed, the sari-culture to be followed, guests to be greeted, food and gifts to be given and taken, so Diwali then seems to be a tiring experience.

Back home, as everyone would, I feel relaxed and at peace after such a long time, that I realize that I have been very homesick. Ironically, I do not crave to be with my 'other' half, quite ironically as was the case more than a year ago. Time flies, people change and situations change.

Overall, it has been a good retreat for me or should I say, a retreating of good food, being with Parents and family than anyone or anything else. But, one thought pushes itself through this writing and it is a quote by John Burroughs: - "I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see."

Prodigality

2008-09-16T23:48:00.000-07:00

Life is a dream
And I am a dreamer
My hopes and faith rise
every day with the sun

Its a new day and things will be good
I say to myself,
and that I will be happy today
But every evening
Takes with it all that it had brought
Leaving me distraught

The heart and its emotions
are culprits of human misery
They search the dreams I have dreamt
They lead to expectations unkempt

I ruin myself with these wasted emotions
and my life goes on every day
In prodigality - wasted away
on emotions that die everyday
and for life, love and relations
that will end with my Death someday.

Lifetime wish

2008-08-26T22:36:00.000-07:00

A quote I chanced upon:

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".

It mirrored what I wish every passing day.

About Sparks, Life and Chetan Bhagat

2008-07-30T22:09:00.001-07:00

Well, its not uncommon that everyday, you see your mail box with the most inspiring quotes and picture attachments and what not! But there was one such mail that caught the attention and I must say it did something to me. Maybe am too easy to be caught by these mails, or maybe not. But yes, it made me think for a long time. Until the time I thought of copying it here and sharing it with fellow- bloggers and readers. And so here it goes:

Keep the Spark Alive

Inaugural Speech for the new batch at the Symbiosis BBA program, Pune 23^rd June, 2008

By Chetan Bhagat

Good Morning everyone and thank you for giving me this chance to speak to you. This day is about you. You, who have come to this college, leaving the comfort of your homes (or in some cases discomfort), to become something in your life. I am sure you are excited. There are few days in human life when one is truly elated. The first day in college is one of them. When you were getting ready today, you felt a tingling in your stomach. What would the auditorium be like, what would the teachers be like, who are my new classmates - there is so much to be curious about. I call this excitement, the spark within you that makes you feel truly alive today. Today I am going to talk about keeping the spark shining. Or to put it another way, how to be happy most, if not all the time.

Where do these sparks start? I think we are born with them. My 3-year old twin boys have a million sparks. A little Spiderman toy can make them jump on the bed. They get thrills from creaky swings in the park. A story from daddy gets them excited. They do a daily countdown for birthday party – several months in advance – just for the day they will cut their own birthday cake.

I see students like you, and I still see some sparks. But when I see older people, the spark is difficult to find. That means as we age, the spark fades. People whose spark has faded too much are dull, dejected, aimless and bitter. Remember Kareena in the first half of Jab We Met vs the second half? That is what happens when the spark is lost. So how to save the spark?

Imagine the spark to be a lamp's flame. The first aspect is nurturing - to give your spark the fuel, continuously. The second is to guard against storms.

To nurture, always have goals. It is human nature to strive, improve and achieve full potential. In fact, that is success. It is what is possible for you. It isn't any external measure - a certain cost to company pay package, a particular car or house.

Most of us are from middle class families. To us, having material landmarks is success and rightly so. When you have grown up where money constraints force everyday choices, financial freedom is a big achievement. But it isn't the purpose of life. If that was the case, Mr. Ambani would not show up for work. Shah Rukh Khan would stay at home and not dance anymore. Steve Jobs won't be working hard to make a better iPhone, as he sold Pixar for billions of dollars already. Why do they do it? What makes them come to work everyday? They do it because it makes them happy. They do it because it makes them feel alive. Just getting better from current levels feels good. If you study hard, you can improve your rank. If you make an effort to interact with people, you will do better in interviews. If you practice, your cricket will get better. You may also know that you cannot become Tendulkar, yet. But you can get to the next level. Striving for that next level is important.

Nature designed with a random set of genes and circumstances in which we were born. To be happy, we have to accept it and make the most of nature's design. Are you? Goals will help you do that.

I must add, don't just have career or academic goals. Set goals to give you a balanced, successful life. I use the word balanced before successful. Balanced means ensuring your health, relationships, mental peace are all in good order.

There is no point of getting a promotion on the day of your breakup. There is no fun in driving a car if your back hurts. Shopping is not enjoyable if your mind is full of tensions.

You must have read some quotes - Life is a tough race, it is a marathon or whatever. No, from what I have seen so far, life is one of those races in nursery school, where you have to run with a marble in a spoon kept in your mouth. If the marble falls, there is no point coming first. Same with life, where health and relationships are the marble. Your striving is only worth it if there is harmony in your life. Else, you may achieve the success, but this spark, this feeling of being excited and alive, will start to die.

One last thing about nurturing the spark - don't take life seriously. One of my yoga teachers used to make students laugh during classes. One student asked him if these jokes would take away something from the yoga practice. The teacher said - don't be serious, be sincere. This quote has defined my work ever since. Whether its my writing, my job, my relationships or any of my goals. I get thousands of opinions on my writing everyday. There is heaps of praise, there is intense criticism. If I take it all seriously, how will I write? Or rather, how will I live? Life is not to be taken seriously, as we are really temporary here. We are like a pre-paid card with limited validity. If we are lucky, we may last another 50 years. And 50 years is just 2,500 weekends. Do we really need to get so worked up? It's ok, bunk a few classes, goof up a few interviews, fall in love. We are people, not programmed devices.

I've told you three things - reasonable goals, balance and not taking it too seriously that will nurture the spark. However, there are four storms in life that will threaten to completely put out the flame. These must be guarded against. These are disappointment, frustration, unfairness and loneliness of purpose.

Disappointment will come when your effort does not give you the expected return. If things don't go as planned or if you face failure. Failure is extremely difficult to handle, but those that do come out stronger. What did this failure teach me? is the question you will need to ask. You will feel miserable. You will want to quit, like I wanted to when nine publishers rejected my first book. Some IITians kill themselves over low grades – how silly is that? But that is how much failure can hurt you. But it's life. If challenges could always be overcome, they would cease to be a challenge. And remember - if you are failing at something, that means you are at your limit or potential. And that's where you want to be.

Disappointment' s cousin is frustration, the second storm. Have you ever been frustrated? It happens when things are stuck. This is especially relevant in India . From traffic jams to getting that job you deserve, sometimes things take so long that you don't know if you chose the right goal. After books, I set the goal of writing for Bollywood, as I thought they needed writers. I am called extremely lucky, but it took me five years to get close to a release. Frustration saps excitement, and turns your initial energy into something negative, making you a bitter person. How did I deal with it? A realistic assessment of the time involved – movies take a long time to make even though they are watched quickly, seeking a certain enjoyment in the process rather than the end result – at least I was learning how to write scripts, having a side plan – I had my third book to write and even something as simple as pleasurable distractions in your life - friends, food, travel can help you overcome it. Remember, nothing is to be taken seriously. Frustration is a sign somewhere, you took it too seriously.

Unfairness - this is hardest to deal with, but unfortunately that is how our country works. People with connections, rich dads, beautiful faces, pedigree find it easier to make it – not just in Bollywood, but everywhere. And sometimes it is just plain luck. There are so few opportunities in India , so many stars need to be aligned for you to make it happen. Merit and hard work is not always linked to achievement in the short term, but the long term correlation is high, and ultimately things do work out. But realize, there will be some people luckier than you. In fact, to have an opportunity to go to college and understand this speech in English means you are pretty damm lucky by Indian standards.. Let's be grateful for what we have and get the strength to accept what we don't. I have so much love from my readers that other writers cannot even imagine it. However, I don't get literary praise. It's ok. I don't look like Aishwarya Rai, but I have two boys who I think are more beautiful than her.. It's ok. Don't let unfairness kill your spark.

Finally, the last point that can kill your spark is isolation. As you grow older you will realize you are unique. When you are little, all kids want Ice cream and Spiderman. As you grow older to college, you still are a lot like your friends. But ten years later and you realize you are unique. What you want, what you believe in, what makes you feel, may be different from even the people closest to you. This can create conflict as your goals may not match with others. . And you may drop some of them. Basketball captains in college invariably stop playing basketball by the time they have their second child. They give up something that meant so much to them. They do it for their family. But in doing that, the spark dies. Never, ever make that compromise. Love yourself first, and then others.

There you go. I've told you the four thunderstorms - disappointment, frustration, unfairness and isolation. You cannot avoid them, as like the monsoon they will come into your life at regular intervals. You just need to keep the raincoat handy to not let the spark die.

I welcome you again to the most wonderful years of your life. If someone gave me the choice to go back in time, I will surely choose college. But I also hope that ten years later as well, your eyes will shine the same way as they do today. That you will Keep the Spark alive, not only through college, but through the next 2,500 weekends. And I hope not just you, but my whole country will keep that spark alive, as we really need it now more than any moment in history. And there is something cool about saying - I come from the land of a billion sparks.

Thank You

Its pretty long a read, but am sure you found it as worth it as I did.

Taken For Granted

2008-07-25T01:11:00.000-07:00

Life does several things to one's personality. It is sometimes so full of events and everyday monotone, that there is no time for oneself at all. And then we see ourselves taking ourselves for granted.

The inner voice is one such thing - "the" taken for granted thing. My past memories bring this revelation to the front. The philosophically and spiritually inclined say that the inner voice is a manifestation of the Supreme Lord. Sometimes, this thought scares me out of the wits and sometimes it is more than just a "mere fact". How many times has it happened when things happen before our own eyes and we accept it as -is. Maybe our inner voice told us to be aware of such an occurrence. Maybe then, we prepare ourselves subconsciously for the event. Whatever be the case, I have no concrete answers to that question.

And the mind then takes over with these thoughts. Work place or home or other personal relationships, it reminds me that my presence comes as taken for granted. What will happen if I were to vanish from this world for a moment?? Would it make a difference?

Then there are more questions - am I taking everyone around me and their presence for granted? What about parents? How many times would I have taken them for granted? I think every child has a unique answer to this question...

Then the inner voice takes over.
This time I do not want it to be taken for granted. And then the thoughts begin to flow all over again...

Quotable Quotes

2008-07-15T03:08:00.000-07:00

Being in the habit of reading quotes off the web, I chanced upon some interesting ones from this link
Some of my favorites and the ones I literally nod at, while reading are:
"Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage"
"Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle"
"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages"
And the last quote is so true, that I cannot agree more!

Discovering oneself through tags

2008-07-07T04:21:00.000-07:00

This is one post where the tagging concept is borrowed from several blogs I have visited.
I am: a dreamer, sometimes idealist
I think: of all good moments gone by
I know: a little bit of everything I think I know
I want: to give to my country in some way or the other before I am gone
I have: reconciled to accept the things they are than changing them
I wish: there were no poor in the world anywhere
I hate: flirts, ego driven, short tempered and "back-biter"/gossip-monger type of people
I miss: my childhood days
I fear: God
I feel: the constant need to change everyday
I hear: music most of the time
I smell: the scent of rain kissed sand just after the rains
I crave: for my own home with my parents and sister
I search: for the person I was before I became worldly-wise
I wonder: why people do the things they do everyday
I regret: words hurled upon near and dear in anger
I love: spending little romantic moments
I ache: when I pass by beggars
I care: about cleanliness everywhere around me
I am not: as egoistic or knowledgeable as some of my relations think I am
I believe: in myself and that destiny is written jointly by God and God's children
I dance: whenever I listen to foot tapping film numbers only when alone
I sing: whenever I like a new song or listen to an old melody
I cry: when I get emotional or think of irritating past memories
I don’t always: want to do something or the other, I'd rather be lazy
I fight: when I see the opposite person speaking a white lie w.r.t any situation
I write: to know myself better
I win: arguments with my husband
I lose: my temper at children subjected to work and smoke of any kind
I never: wanted to be the person I am perceived to be
I always: wanted to meet God and ask Him why He made earth
I confuse: different language slangs while speaking multiple languages at home
I listen: less and hear more
I can usually be found: smiling or brooding
I am scared: of my Dad's temper
I need: to liberate myself from the monotone of worldly actions
I am happy about: whatever I have achieved in Life till now
I imagine: an India - who would supercede the biggest and richest nations in terms of everything I tag: No one, because I know very few friends who might read this post!

Uncertainity

2008-06-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

Some stray thoughts crossed my mind today and were best reflected by this quote of Winston Churchill:
“Without a measureless and perpetual uncertainty, the drama of human life would be destroyed”

2.5/5

2008-06-16T01:57:00.000-07:00

Hmm.. so another year and another day has gone past, and the Big Time Machine is telling me that I am an year older! Does that mean I am wiser than last year or is it a good time to find out if this is a valid question for me, this birthday? Hard to answer.

One can sit and brood for hours on the year gone by. I call it the self-appraisal exercise. I can say that I scored 2.5 out of 5 here.Half of my good old habits died this past year and I half of them are either improved or enhanced. The other half of me has changed and I dont know whether its good or bad - have to take time to rate it. So, thats that.

On a better note, husband dear gifted me with horde of gifts but the best was the synthesizer! I played "Ek do teen", " Karz theme" and "Tujhe dekha to yeh jaana - DDLJ" on it! I am super happy!!! (touchwood)

Unrest

2008-06-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

There is lot of unrest in life these days. Marriage has created new plans for me I guess. Lots of things have conspired before my eyes until now. From childhood, where I used to visit cities because my Dad's job was transferreble to being in Madras for schooling, running past those competitions in class X ,XII and college for getting the best marks, going away from home to an alien country to do higher studies, deciding to come back home to marry my love and now settling down to plan ahead, is a whirlwind of events if I think of it... It reminds me of that poem we used to read in our high school English class by W.H.Davies:
"WHAT is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare. "

Now, I think, those carefree pre-high school days were much better....

No one visits here ever...

2008-05-29T01:44:00.001-07:00

I know I am blogging just for the satisfaction of my brain. My blog's gone into anonymity after I deleted all my previous posts and stopped blogging. But someday, there will be hope for visitors who will read what I've penned down. Moreover, many of my blog and other friends dont blog as often as they did previously. Everything's changed so much and I am feeling so down.

All for the want of a knee...

2008-05-23T01:50:00.000-07:00

So many people take their health and well-being for a ride... even I used to... Now, I wish everyday that good health never fails me. Recovering from a ligament reconstruction on the knee is painful. Not only physically speaking , but mentally too. It makes you immobile in action and thought! The various problems that arise after the immobility is gone are enormous. Increased weight, TSH imbalances and so many petty health issues surface together... that I start wishing again, for good health....

I just wish to be slim, healthy and hale as soon as possible!

Back to the Blog World

2008-05-20T03:43:00.000-07:00

I used to fear writing until this time. It used to somehow feel that I would
face bad situations if I wrote. Somehow circumstances would become as worse,
as and when my writing got better. They were directly proportional. It was mere
paranoia, nothing else.

Now I am tempted to begin blogging - once again. For good. It somehow gives
my senses a strange satisfaction. Its such a tough task to do these days.
Amidst the tight work - home life that I have settled into, it is possible
only after work hours.

Although, it feels good - writing like this is like talking to oneself. And then
asking friends and well wishers to see me talking to me! What a paradox!

Anyways, I just hope to write more.